Cover Letters with Sauron

Cover letters are hard. In fact, that should be a hashtag - #CoverLettersAreHard! They're nothing like resumes. Resumes follow a formula that is readily available. Cover letters don't have quite as much information flying around about them, and I have a feeling that not everyone who attempts one knows the question that they should be answering. When I first moved into the world of unemployment, I wrote my cover letters to the following prompt:

"Why do you want to work at this job?"

That's simple enough. You're laying out your motivations for applying alongside your past work experience. It gives employers a sense of your character, your goals, and your personality. It makes sense. So, in keeping with the prompt,  my early cover letters looked like this.

 
To ABC:

I am responding to your ad calling for an undergraduate or graduate intern for ABC’s News Programming. My interest in the entertainment industry is somewhat of a recent development. Though I studied history primarily, I landed an internship with Man Of Action, a creative think-tank and writing team that is responsible for creating and writing numerous cartoons (starting with Ben 10). I've been working with them for the past year and the experience has made me interested in the world of Television and Entertainment.

While my major goal is writing for television or animation, I also want to gain more experience in production. The opportunity to work with ABC News would provide that much needed experience behind-the-scenes of a major television project. Moreover, the experience itself marries my major college interests (history and political science) with my interest in working in the media. I have always found current events to be an especially fascinating for this reason. We exist on the cutting edge of history after all.

To sum up, I would love to work with ABC News. Thank you so much for consideration and I look forward to hearing back from you. My contact information is noted above.


Sincerely,

Adam Pica  

This happened to be the first draft that I ran past my parents - only to have my mother tell me that it was crap. I was flabbergasted and insulted! 

"I am explaining to them exactly why I want the job, I'm being transparent," I cried with white hot indignation! "Employers don't care about why you want the job," my Mother fired back, "they care about why they should hire you!" "Your first sentence should start as 'You should hire me because...'"

That's just ridiculous and arrogant, I thought. You might as well just demand that they give you the job the minute you walk into the interview. And only a megalomaniac would do that!

But, on the flip-side, I wasn't in any kind of a position to defend my current method. I had sent out hundreds of emails already and heard nothing back. Something wasn't working, and this crazy scheme was the only alternative I had. 

But, I also couldn't write like that! I have to put my name on the top of the page at the end of the day! This just wasn't me, this was some super-villain in his lair - cackling madly while stroking his white cat. Then again, maybe that's where I had to start...

So, after tearing up my twentieth draft, I did something I never thought I would do: I wrote this.

To Whom This May Concern,

My name is Sauron, and I am a recent graduate of Mordor College who is interested in working for you.

I am right for this position because I am a steadfast leader and a master communicator. I have a very strong background in public speaking, and have made several highly convincing presentations to influential heads of state. In addition, I also have experience in the field as a military commander and have organized and equipped both armed insurrections and standard military maneuvers.

Despite the occasional setback, I have successfully conquered numerous territories across Middle Earth. Moreover, my followers have consistently voted me back into office out of fear because I am highly motivated, goal-oriented, and will stop at nothing to achieve absolute power.

Now, I would like to use these skills to benefit your company. Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to hearing back from you.


Sincerely,

Sauron the Deceiver

And you thought that you were a gunner...

"I'd hire him," my Mother said when I threw this on her desk. "Are you kidding me," I spat in disgust! This is obviously a joke! A gag! Nobody would take this seriously!" 

"Maybe not the content," my Mother replied, "but the tone coveys confidence and assurance. It tells me exactly what this person can do for me and my company. This makes me very interested to see what they're like in an interview."

"That's total BS," I declared. "Well then, send it off if you don't believe me," she countered. And with that, she gently slid the letter back to me in that little way she does when she thinks she's right. She couldn't be serious. This is ridiculous!

But, I also still had nothing to lose. So, I pulled a random sales job off of Monster and sent the letter in - along with a slightly modified resume. It was just another piece of digital paper going straight into a black hole. But that would be perfect! When a week goes by without a reply, I can take this whole incident and shove it in my Mother's face as proof that she's wrong! That she doesn't know the first thing about what she's talking about.

At least I could have if this email didn't land in my inbox:

Hi Sauron,

Thank you for your application!

The team and I would be interested in scheduling an interview with you. Please let us know your availabilities for next week.
Looking forward to hearing from you.

 
All the best,

HR

Touche Mom. It looks like you have won this time. #PwnedByMom

I can't wait to see the interview.