Embarrassing Networking Stories for the Soul

It's networking season!

Or at least it is for me. We all have that one time of the year when we've decided to get back in touch with old friends, old teachers, old bosses, and old acquaintances - usually in a deliberate effort to see if anyone knows somebody who knows somebody. And then there are those bone chilling moments when you have to seek out new people all by yourself - plunging neck deep into the swamp of solitude. It's one thing to crash a party, not know anyone, and spend the whole night hanging out by the Cheetos. It's quite another to have your life depend on meeting that special someone, making the right impression, and then scoring the interview - hopefully. It's so frightening that you might even struggle to say "hello." That very act of initiating contact could very well sour their whole entire impression of you and close that door shut - triple-locked, bolted, and sealed forever!

Well, stop right there. It might seem like that, but your life doesn't depend on nailing the perfect impression 100% of the time. Your success as a networking professional depends on the hardest skill of all: your ability to say "hi" just once to everyone in the room. Seems easy, but there's always that voice in the back of your head. "What if they reject me?" "What if I embarrass myself?" "What if I mess up so bad that I'll have to wear a paper bag over my head for the rest of my life?"

All completely reasonable - but not really. So here's my public service announcement for the week. To get you over that primal fear, I'm going to tell some horrific networking stories - all of which occurred when I was just trying to say "hi."

1) A Madame/Mister Melee 

When you're addressing everyone as "Mister" for a semi-long period of time (like fifteen minutes), then you might just relegate that little job to your involuntary nervous system. Sure, it lets you focus on that rocking ice breaker, but your INS can't tell the difference between most of the objects outside your body. So you might end up like me - introducing yourself to plants and accidentally addressing the bulkiest guy in the room as "Madame."

Vincent Vega. He writes this blog.

I noticed his beard a little too late; right around the time when he asked my name - while frothing with anger. I told him I was Vincent Vega - because I apparently revert to Pulp Fiction when I'm in an absolute panic. He'd never heard of Pulp Fiction. In fact, he thought that was my actual name - a mistake which turned to my advantage when he absolutely lost it in front of everyone for about ten seconds.

It was Entertainment Networking Night at UCLA. An agent told me afterward that I had the coolest name ever. The agent's name was Derek. I never saw the big guy again.

2) Counting Change for Hazardous Hags

If you want to practice talking to people, become a cashier. Trust me, there's no faster way to master the art of talking to people than to talk to people for eight hours a day, five days a week. That, and you'll probably learn a thing or two about perspective.

While I was in college, I used to work as a cashier/barista for a small little coffee shop in the middle the Theater Department. Everyone was nice except for the Dean; this older women with an abundance of sarcasm, a dearth of patience, and a tendency to harp mercilessly over the slightest transgressions. This was problematic for me. I only had the job because I desperately wanted to be a Theater Minor. The only way to become a Theater Minor (as far as I knew) was to know someone on the inside. Think your stakes are high? I had to make this impression count!

A live simulation of this experience for your enjoyment.

I spent about ten minutes trying to make small talk. She wasn't interested, but I wasn't about to let this opportunity slide away. I pressed on! Unfortunately, I was so focused on closing the relationship that I wasn't paying attention to Abraham Lincoln; or rather, I had confused him with George Washington. So, instead of handing her three fives as change for her twenty, I gave her three ones. And with that, my fate was sealed.

I saw her about four other times at the shop that year; and each time, I was subjected to ruthless monetary micromanagement. I was the guy who never graduated from Kindergarten, and therefore couldn't be trusted to count to ten. That was my first impression, and there was nothing on planet Earth that could dislodge it. It wouldn't matter if I had conducted a thousand successful transactions with her. She wouldn't, in a million years, give me an elementary school diploma; much less a fast track into a Theater Minor.    

And then, a year later, she vanished. Just like that, I never saw her again. She probably retired, but something tells me that I wasn't the only person who got that treatment from her.

3) Uninvited Anecdotes For Aloof Associates

Seriously. Don't do it.

Did you just have an awesome conversation with that one person at that one networking event? Great! Now it's time to follow up - that quick little email that lets them know that you remember them and that they should remember you. It's always great to include a link to something that relates to your conversation. Or you can do what I did, and go the long way around by telling them all about the trials and tribulations that got you to this particular moment in your life.

Actually don't do that. Like, literally stop what you're doing, and don't do that!

Usually, the worst thing that happens is that the contact just never responds to your wall of text. I received no such mercy. Instead, she sent it right to the coordinator of the business program I was in - who immediately shared it with the class as a textbook example of what NOT to do. That class included my girlfriend.

Was it a great teachable moment? Sure. Did I ever do that again? Absolutely not.

The Conclusion

So, what's the net result of all these terrifying instances of networking failure? Have doors closed in my face, never too be opened again? Has my name been passed around the professional world as the subject of ridicule and scorn? Have I been forever blacklisted by people I have never met and whose faces I barely remember?

No. None of that happened. Everyone just moved on. I just got back up and tried again. At the end of the day, no matter how awful or embarrassing your first impression might seem, there will always be next time. There will always be another opportunity to make a better connection with a much better fit. There will always be room for you to learn from your mistakes, and to continue building your network.

So, don't be afraid to say "hi!" Don't be afraid to put yourself out there! You really aren't taking that big of a risk.